>> Hello, everyone. I'm live with Stephanie Tolev. I'm Amanda. I'll be hosting the performances today. Iwould like to welcome our first performer, also a graduate from Humber's comedyperformance program to culture's compass, comedienne Steph to lest -- Tolev.I'm not well received a Juno award nomination. She does been a hit on stage atjust for laughs Montreal and continues to keep us laughing during thisquarantine with her unique brand of absurd and personal comedy content onYouTube. Just a disclaimer, this performance may contain explicit language andmature content so viewer discretion is advised. Without further ado, Steph Tole.
>> Hello, everyone. This seems insane todo stand-up to my own face and people commenting.
Also I do love how the comment thing says saysomething nice, because you know, these side panels can get -- I just went onmy tiktok and a 12-year-old boy said stop being so fat. I was like thank youvery much, sir.
You're 12. Say something nice.
You can say something mean and I can try toheckle you, but I can't. At least it's better than some of the zoom shows whereyou can see everybody and I feel like I'm on a chat roulette site whereeveryone is gross and lying in their bed. I don't want to see you eatingspaghetti lying down in your bed while I'm trying to make you laugh. It'srepulsive. Anyway, this is great. This is -- is it great? What are we doing? Welive in hell. I might get dirty. I hope no one -- I should warn you. I'm a dirtcomedienne I don't think I've been funny before 2:00 p.m. in my life. I usuallydrink beer or vodka. This is not. This is coffee. I'm at my parents' house. Ilive in Los Angeles but I got scared when all this happened. I would never buysomething -- I have no idea how to tell time on that.
No one in my family can. I don't know why wehave that.
It's decorative more than functional. That's fordamn sure. I fled to Canada because I got scared. Talk dirty to me.
You don't want it. I'm going to comment on thecomments for no reason. I fled here because I got scared. I lived in Hollywoodby myself with my dog.
I was like OK I'll come here for a couple ofweeks. Now I'm a 35-year-old woman living with my mother and father. What cango wrong? I want to die every single day. I also would have been standing updoing this, but I sprained my ankle straight-up walk three days ago. Why notadd something else to this hell we're living in besides having a swollen ankleand not wanting to die. I live with my parents and it's a lot. I don't know ifanybody else is in their mid 30s living with their mom and dad.
I get in trouble for everything if I leave acupboard door open, I hear screaming from upstairs.
If I shower for longer than ten minutes, there'sno hot water.
I my dad put a time or the hot water tank. Hesays it costs too much money. I barely have time to soap my folds. I'm in therefor literally three seconds.
Get the main bits and all the bits that fold up.These and that. I'm going to say vagina at some point. I don't know why I'm nottrying to say it now.
Again it's very light out.
Comedy in the day seems very strange. Are peopleliking this? I can't tell. There's no reaction. My dog is not looking at me, soI guess it's bad.
I've been forcing my mum to do videos are me formy Instagram and my mum filmed one of me after and after it was done, shelooked me dead in the eyes and said so serious: Why are you like this? Ilaughed harder than I've ever laughed. You made this. I don't know why I'mfukcing like this. You did this to me. It's been a lot. It really has. I fledso quickly.
I literally booked my flight and within threehours I was at the airport, and I did not -- I packed three pairs of underwearand two pairs of pants. My dad is like don't worry. I got underwear.
I'm like I really don't want your underwear.Then pee -- he continued to cut pull down his sweat pants and show his looseboxers and said these are mine.
I was like I don't need to see my dad's wienerlurking around in my boxers. Get out of my face right now. I can't stand this.It's been a lot. My dad's crazy. We all say this, but I think he's actuallylost t he looks out the blinds and spies on the neighbours 95% of the his day.The other 5% is yellingly. We have a new neighbour and my dad -- I'm single,and my parents are upset about it. Get a grip. I don't care. You're not inlove. What does it matter. New nAB are on.
My dad is like a he's a good-looking guy. He'sreally chiselled and jaw line. I'm like excuse me. I see him pulling out thegarbage. Double chin. How is that a chiselled jaw line? I'm not one tocomplain. I have one too. The new neighbour starts cutting his lawn on adiagonal. My dad looks outside and says see this fucking idiot. Cutting hislawn on a diagonal. I started that.
I say you're telling me you're the first personto caught your lawn on a diagonal anger. I don't think so, Peter.
It's a lot. It's really wild.
Are people enjoying this? I'm going to look.People said love this. OK, good. I'm going to keep going. Can't wait. Why am Inot breathing? I don't know.
Sorry for the sniffing.
Everything is in insane.
I did break or sprain my ankle.
Everyone is getting fit during the quarantine.I'm pissed because I'm drinking a bottle and a half of wine. I've had 40 bagsof crispers, cracker chips, whatever those are. I miss them so much. I've beentrying to watch these yoga videos. This is one. If no one believes me, I'llsend you the link afterwards. I don't yoga a lot because I'm manic, clearly. Ifyou want to see the swelling, hold on. Let me get the other angle. You don'tneed to see.
This I feel like no one believes me. OK. You cankind of see the bruising. It's quite gross.
You didn't need to see that.
I don't know why I showed it.
Watching this yoga video. It starts with thewoman in the front explaining everything and there's two girls in the backdoing examples and one girl does the modified version and one does whatever.I'm like breathe. I feel like yoga is 95% breathing and the rest stretching.Let's get in the downward dog and all of a sudden I hear oh my God. What thehell is going on? Maybe I had something weird on my God damn laptop on. I turnit down. I get to the next job. Oh, yeah, that's good. I'm like am I gettingpranked. The woman in the back, I swear to God is doing an imination of ChrisFarley. She's like oh yeah, that feels good. There's the burn. I'm like thiswoman needs to shut the fuck up right now.
I go into the comments. I've never seen a yogaperson get trolled in my entire life.
People were like, I'm a very calm person, and Inever in my life have been so upset during a yoga video. I had to comment.
I'm like this is the worst I've ever seen. Ifelt like I was getting pranked the whole time.
I talk about being fat all the time. But this, Idon't like this. I hate it so much. I have a bad angle right now. I gettargeted. I talk about my double chin all the time. I got targeted on my phonebecause I'm like double chin.
I started getting these ads for double chinproducts. Did I get targeted? Yes. Did it work? A hundred percent. I did buysomething called the face bra.
I spent $30 on this. And it took a month and ahalf to come in. And OK. I'll show you how insane this thing is. I'm supposedto put this on my head, put it on the ears and just straight up hang out withthis thing on my head and this is supposed -- I believe itted.
It's actually choking me. OK.
I'm gagging. This thing, OK, has anybody elseseen the face bra or bought the face bra? Why did I do this? Why is it soiledalready? It's like two pieces on it's like a stretch band.
Anyways, targeting ads work. If there's anybodywith a business out there and they want you to buy their actual pile of shitproduct, I will. That's what I bought. Does it work? If it actually works, I'lllose my fucking mind. You can't look like this. I always forget that in CanadaI'm like a 7.
Don't answer me if you don't believe that. Youhave to say something nice. In Los Angeles, I'm like an inside out swine.
It feels really nice to be an actual human hogwalking around town. It's insane. You can't -- it's actually illegal to have adouble chin in Los Angeles. I'm about to get fined and arrested, and I mean, Ididn't follow the rules. You need to get rid of this. I understand it. I alsoget targeted on my stupid Pinterest.
I looked up one -- maybe a few rib recipes once.Now every time I get e-mails, new rib recipes and crock pot recipes just foryou. That's what my pinterest shows, no fun products or jewellery. Just ribrecipes.
I'm not going to lie. I've done a few of them,and they're pretty good. The whole neighbourhood knows who I am now. I guess mydad has been yapping WHOI am. Every time I go for a walk with the dog, everyoneis like Steph how are you? Bob. Who the fuck is Bob?
Are you going live tonight?
Neighbour across the street, jack. 75 or 80years old. He said you're a comedienne, right?
Got a joke. You can use it if you want. I'm notgoing to --
just tell it to me please.
COVID-19. What happened to COVID 17? COVID 6?Never heard of him. I'm like he's not going to keep going. He went throughevery single number like COVID-two name and went? Where did it go? I actuallyam using the joke, so I guess Jack was right. He's giving material, and it'swork right now. It's hard to flirt. Is anybody having sex during this?
Obviously if you're with somebody, you cananswer me.
Now you're scared.
It is noon. I realise how early it is. Are youhaving marital relations? I'll word it like that. I'm not going to lie. I had alittle slip-up. It was three months. I had to. My parents were at the collegegoing on pontoon boat rides with the whole lake. I was like if you're going tosit shoulder to shoulder to Jim and Sue, I'm going to get my [not audible]
and I looked away thinking it wouldn't be asdirty if I didn't say it directly to the camera.
But it was. It is very hard, and I made sure --we made sure nobody had anything COVID-wise.
We'll find out soon enough I guess. It felt goodto be touched by another human. It really did. Because he was an improviser soit wasn't that good if you really think about it. It's hard to go this wrong.
I can't touch myself at my parents' house. Imean it's really hard to use my dad's snoring as ambient in the background. Orhis yells. I'm sweating. I was trying to sweat with somebody at CBO with mymask on. It's hard to flirt with just your eyes. I hate my nose. I have a giantnose.
It's the best time to flirt because they can'tsee the nose.
Then I take it off and then it kind of scaresthem. It feels good to hide this. Does anybody have a big nose? It's hard to --it would be hard for two double chins to kiss. It's like having a big nose. Ican't kiss another guy with a big nose.
You know those movies where they kisseverywhere. We have to keep it on the side or both make the switch and turnsides.
You're stuck. It's not sexy.
Hold on. My giant nose needs to move positionsbecause I can't breathe right now. I've been --
you sit in your thoughts a lot during thisquarantine.
Everyone is thinking about --
you try not to think of all the horrible thingshappening so you think of other things. And before I slipped -- I do want tosay. Now you guys already laughed about this. The person I had to sleep with isreally into tantric stuff. I don't know if anyone has been with that before. He-- he can have an orgasm without anything coming out. It's kind of a lot ofsounds, a lot of breathing.
He did tell me at one point to breathe inthrough my vajoin --
vagina. I was like I want to have you here.
It doesn't work like that.
Because if it did, I would be able to swim avery long time with my head underwater.
I've been thinking about a lot of -- you thinkof -- prolonging the pressure. Yeah, I don't know. For him maybe. I honestlyfelt like I was sleeping with somebody who was getting exercise. He was likegrunting ]
And his ice were rolling back in his -- eyeswere rolling back in his head. I was like in the actual exorcist. Why did Ibreak quarantine for this. I'm actually losing weight sweating right now. Herefriend called me the perverted Larry David.
One guy years ago, we kept making out, whatever.And the third time, we were about to hook up. We're making out.
Then his debit card fell out of his pocket andit and I bent down and picked it up. It was bent and chipped and the numbershad been rubbed off. I was like this is disgusting. If you can't keep yourdebit card clean, what does your Dick look like. I can't have this anywherenear me, this thing.
It was a lot. And I try not to get dirty, and ittook me 15 minutes, and I got there. I could not do it. I really tried. I hadto face memory pop up. When something so gross. I once heard a guy pee tooloud.
It sounded like he turned on a fireman's hose. Idon't know what that sound is, but that's not coming near me. I'm not perfect.I keep the lights off.
I don't want people seeing what's going on rightnow.
It's too much. It's way too much. I have beenmastering sendsending some tasteful nudes.
I'm not pulling a Crystal Lee and sending themto underage children. I'm sending them to 35 to 40 to 50-year-old men. I likethem older. Hey, have you tried using the portrait mode for your -- excuse me.Maybe I will. Got the ring light here and set up a little situation.
I did try a portrait mode. I do the top. I'm nottaking shots of the bottom. No one needs to see that. I feel like it's not gooddown there and looks like a couple of Ashy sandwiches A.
Are Arby sandwiches. I was walking around withmy tits out.
My parents were gone. If you're walking aroundat 40 years old naked in front of your parents, that's not normal. Who isAnthony? What did I -- I keep checking on what's going on here in the chathere. So I took a couple of photos of the cans, and looked back at them. I'lltell you what. The nipple hair really comes out on those portrait mode fOETonnoo photos.
I was like those look like something to brush ahorse's mane. No one sees them now. It shows where I need to tweeze properly.I'm an honest gal.
If you're afraid to talk about Bruce Lee, I amnot. He's a bad, bad man. Oh, I have more gross things. You get memories inyour Facebook. A year ago I was emceeing my friend's wedding. Always theemceeing, never the bride. And I do want to die when I say that out loud.
It actually hurts me severely.
It was a lesbian wedding. It was also the firstone I ever got to go to. We had to sign a waiver. You had to camp that night.When you're at an outside wedding, things are different. You get more messedup. Everyone is more drunk and carefree. I'm drinking and having a couple ofyum items and I'm's prepared stoner. I put a box of crackers in my tent inpreparation knowing I would want to tap in there later. 3:00 in the morning, Icrawl in my tent, very excited to get this box going. I was thinking about itall night. Triskets. I start eating the box. Loudest cracker I've ever had inmy life. I was so hyper. Everyone is going to hear me alone by myself eatingthee crackers.
I panicked and massaged my throat until thecrackers slid down my throat because the crunching was too loud. I ate thewhole box. I didn't even have water. The seasononing on them allows it to slideright down the gullet. I am actually so sweaty right now, I can't even take it.I already talked about gross things. I guess I can keep going at that point.
The last date I went on before all of this wasan interesting date. Before -- OK. No, how do I word this. People get offendedand it's not offensive.
I went on a date with a guy and he had bellspalsy. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with t I had a family member whohad bell's palsy. You need to tell somebody. I warn guys of my voice becauseI've gone on too many dates where I'm like hey, and they're like ah. I'm like Ialways sound like.
This they're like it's a lot.
Now I give a warning. By the way, I sound like aman, just so you know. I have a big nose. I sound like a man. Also, I'm beingvery honest on my Tindr pics. I'm showing this. I'm not going to do an angle uphere and show up and they're like what is this actual blob flesh?
I show the chin. I have it there. Whatever.Anyways. I'm sweating. I have so much energy. I'm literalliy is with thing andmy moustache is melting off. The guy has bell's palsy. Here's the issue. Hedoesn't say anything. If you know what it is, it's when half of your face fucksoff for a bit. I walk in and he gives me the nonbell's palsy side. I said oh myGod. And he turns and I'm like here we go. I'm sitting there. Maybe he'llmention something. Two and a half hours, he does not mention the bell's palsy. Imention my nose. Oh, yeah, double chin.
I've been arrested in high school. I'm sayingall these things thinking he would say something. At zero point did he mention,and I don't know if you know your lip kind of gets like dead on one side. Soit's very hard to say Bs. Let's steer away from the B conversation.
I'm talk about things that don't star with B. Hegoes on a rant about black bears for 15 minutes. I'm like out of all the thingsyou can talk about --
also who knows that many facts about black bears?Needless to say, I was still going to go home with him and suck the thing, butthen I was like how far does the bell's palsy go. I don't want to get home andthen the Dick is sleepy or it's the pee hole -- this was a lot. The chat'sgotten real quiet here.
Cut this out of the whole thing.
I've never been hotter in my whole life. I'm sosorry, everybody. Do you know what guys really don't like which I've learnedthrough experience?
They do not like funny women.
They say they do. They're like all I want is agirl who will make me laugh. Then I show up and I go whoa and they're likewhoa!
And then they run for the hills.
So I try to find -- I don't know if I am ortrying. I've lost all sense of sanity at this point. But guys really don't likewhen girls are funny in bed. And I have a problem because I'm always like whydo guys never talk to me again? I think it's my bedroom behaviour.
I'll take out their Dick. I'll go is this thingon? And they don't laugh. And I have done it way too many times. Hello.
Testing. One, two, three. No laughs ever. Ishould stop doing it. But there's this other bit I started doing that wasreally not funny, but in my head it was. Where we finished and he said oh whatdo I do with the condom. Oh, I'll take that.
I'm saving it for later and then I pretend Ihave a mini fridge in my bedroom and I would -- it was way too much of an actalso to do, and they were very, very scared. Why would I say --
again, I need to learn that that's not funny andmen don't like that even one bit. It's a lot. And this -- I do miss L.A.
a little bit. I miss going to Trader Joe's. It'slike a great grocery store with everything that's so cheap and they haveorganic stuff and vegan stuff.
They don't have it here. So I go to this one allthe time in Hollywood and I go to cash out and I see this one cashier waving.He's flirting. They legally have to wave. It's part of his job. He's like so.And I'm like so. I ended up farting. He grabs the feta I was buying and he waslike are you -- are you what? I'm like are you what? Are you making that dipagain? I'm taken aback. Excuse me. The dip.
Are you make the dip again? I don't know whatthe hell's going on right now. You came in here a year ago, and you told me allabout in lentil feta and bruschetta dip. I make it at every party. I'm like areyou sucking the inside of my ass right now? What the hell are you talkingabout? I've lived in four and a half years now and have not been recognized onetime. The only time a man recognized and remembered my face was over a diprecipe?
That I forced him to listen to in line at agrocery store? I'm meeting men terribly wrong. I'm going to start showing up toparties with big barrels of dip.
Like you boys hungry. Saw this Facebook eventonline and decided to invite myself. Got a bunch ever dip if you want to try toput a whisper of time in there. I got a it is creative.
I got stoned. Is anyone laughing? What ishappening right now? Two buck chuck wine is repulsive. If you want to drinkthat, take your balsamic vinegar. It's disgusting. It's honestly so gross. I'llsend you the recipe. Also, I mean, you would recognize this? A lot. I have adog. I did not adopt her. Sue me. I get it.
Everybody especially in L.A. is very upset Ipurchased a dog. I have a golden retriever. I have a pile of -- I am a pile ofshit. I understand. I love her so much. I want to take her face and turn itinside out and put it back but I know it will never be the same. The joke's onme. My dog needs surgery.
She has something calls a big vagina in laymen'sterms otherwise known as a hooded labia causing her to have literally a giantvagina. She needs a $6,000 surgery. Should have adopted. Now I have a dog witha big vagina and a big vet bill. I want to go down when she gets it done andsay I want what she's having. I can show you. Her name is Susan. Come, come.I'll try to get my dog.
Come here. Oh, she's listening.
Oh, come, come, come. Come here!
Up, up, up. Come, Susan. Hold on. You've got tosee her. I can't talk about her. I'm not going to show you the vagina.
Oh my God. OK. I mean, are we kidding ourselvesright now?
Look at the little bye. Was that worth it?Because it put my back out almost. She also --
she's also a pervert and really likes going downon that thing, and she really likes to do it whenever I have a man around.
It's like she almost wants to teach them how todo it properly. She knows what she's doing. It sounds like she's using teeth.She's enjoying it more than I am. Maybe take a couple of tips from the old pullback the curtain here. It's like the Wizard of Oz. There she s the dog is socute.
Susan. I know, I thought it would be fun tow saySue, get out of the car. Turns out it isn't that funny. I have a few moreminutes here. Have I been too gross for you guys?
Probably. Am I going to end with something sorepulsive?
Yes, I am. I'll do one more joke before thegross thing.
I've talked about so many things right now. Doyou have any questions? I feel like I'm doing a God damned weird seminar tonobody. The guy before me was doing a really powerful presentation. I'm likeoh, my God, my vagina. Everybody is going what is happening? We haven't hadlunch yet. So my dog is a sick pig and I do love her so much. She likes beingaround when things are happening. So right before I came here, I had a man atmy apartment, and we couldn't find a couple of the condoms afterwards. I'msearching.
He's like I'm sure I threw them out. I hate you.Where are you? Two days go by. My dog shits one out. I don't know if you'veever seen a condom come out of a butt before. It's the top ten grossest thingsI've ever seen in my entire life. It was like -- this is so gross.
It was still tied up and there was still stuffin there. Then I realised if anyone needs any drugs, I can smuggle them withthis very cute golden retriever.
Have her come with me, and this was a bad thingto end on. Let me end on something a bit nicer, because that really repulsedyou guys right now. I always get testy when I come home because there's nohealth care in the states. I go to a clinic over here in east York if you knowToronto at all. And I was tested of the last time I was here, I'm in line. I'msitting in the waiting room. I don't know, 30 plus in the room. A guy walks in,panicked. Looks right at me and goes hey. I'm like what? Vino. I'm like I'm notvino. He says God, you look exactly like him. I'm like what? And then he walkedout of the room. Like this guy wasn't even looking to get tested. He waslooking if his old pal. Now I'm on a mission to fine vino.
If anybody knows vino from east Work, I need tofind him and sleep with myself. I hope this wasn't too much, everybody. I hopeI made you all feel better.
Were people laughing? I feel crazy right now.OK. Guys, if you want to follow me on Instagram, it's @Stephtolev.
And my crazy dog is @Susangolden.
>> You've been great. Steph, you're alaugh and a half. I love it.
>> OK, good.
>> Thank you so much for joining us andthank you all for joining the first half of the conference. We'll be taking a30-minute lunch break, and then we'll begin again at 1:00 for accessibilityonline. Thank you.
>> Bye, everybody. Bye.
>> Let's go.
Below is a log of the live chat that occurred during this talk. The format is:
Emojis that were used in the chat will appear between colons, e.g., :smile:
We are pushing our comedy performance to 12pm to account for the delays we faced this morning! The afternoon schedule will remain the same
I love this art work. It
Yes it is :slightly_smiling_face:
Gorgeous painting by Jacqueline Comrie! http://jacquiecomrie.com/
is the sound off?
hahah ohhhh mannn
LOL "Stop being 12!!"
talk dirty to me steph!
Doing comedy sitting down from your parents! To an audience you can't see; rock it
I prefer nights too. Sunlight is good for you, but it hurts my brain
gifts of the pandemic
Mine sleep yells too!
hahahahhahah you arent in love so it doesnt matter :slightly_smiling_face:
It's so gooooood!!!
"laughing and applause"
Shaun William Scott
love the bike tat
yeah bike tat rocks!!
Shaun William Scott
my face hurts from alughing
:wine_glass: I tried skateboarding in high heels and had the same looking ankle afterwords
OMG YES the FACE BRA
Bondage for the ZOOM gen
worth it! hahahhaha
Hecks no...it wlooks like a messed up bikini bit
You could try using it as a mask.
you look beautiful.
Girl you're a TEN
I would never as guessed what that thing was, but it looks kinky
Crock pot for life!
why did i never notice my nose lock?
Yeah prolonging the pleasure
that 's true
:joy: :joy: :joy:
Dude can use a wallet wtf haha
hahahahhahahaha a fire hose!! :smile:
Shaun William Scott
That's right STANDARDS
Where is Anthony? Dangerous convo:joy: :joy: :joy:
s a joke!
Shaun William Scott
dun dun dun xD
hahaha super dangerous! An honest gal...
:joy: HAHAH deaddddd
:skull: :skull: :skull:
My mesophonia is already :grin:
Not going to lie ... had issues with my laptop and couldn't log on right away ... first thing I heard was "tantric ... breathing through my vagina ... swimming underwater ...". You just made my noon hour ... thumbs up to you Stephanie ...
Shaun William Scott
she has so much energy i love this
Sanity? What's that again?
is this thing on????
you are glowing
your hair looks amazing tho!
I want that haircut
i want to see inside the mini fridge
All I ever hear about Trader Joe's is their $2.00 wine. Two Buck Chuck lool.
so where's the recipe?
in the fridge!
sounds like good dip!
2 for 1 deal!
AHHHHH! what a good girl
oh! bonus doggo! :slightly_smiling_face:
AHHHHHHHHHHHH <3 <3 <3 <3
woman's best friend...take note from that bitch?... hahahahaha
beautiful susan :heart:
What a sweetie
My nieghbours were from Denmark and their dog was named Dildo, which means, but not in English... His mother would open the door and yell her name
WOW that's a new one!
It meant Fluffy or something, but no one spoke up...
Yeah it was great!!
yes fully laughing
you are great!
Yes. You did well :wink:
Thanks for a great start to the afternoon haha
thanks for the lunch humour!!
YESSSSSSS!!!! Tahnks for this, awesoem comedy of the daylight!
You did make us feel better
yay! thanks Steph!
Thanks for watching!!
You can follow my gross life @StephTolev if you want
So good! Thank you!!
Very funny :slightly_smiling_face:
I had to put earbuds in so my kids wouldn't hear! But I kept laughing so hard they wanted to know what I was listening to!
Thank you for joining us for the first half of Culture's Compass! we're taking a 30 minute break and then we'll be back for Accessibility Online at 1:00 pm. See you there!
my son came in at the end and starting mocking steph's energy
hes 5 years old for context
so you aren't grounding him into next decade....